Monthly Archives: November 2009

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It’s Story Time

I was eager to read Donald Miller’s latest book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years because like many people I am a fan of Blue Like Jazz. I had tried to get an advance copy to review but was unable to get one because of the demand.  I was delighted to be offered a copy through another source and immediately started to read.

My first impression of the book (besides the awkward title that I can never remember!) was that he sounded like Andy Rooney.  I don’t mind Andy Rooney and I can’t really pinpoint why that was my first impression but I think it had something to do with the style of writing.  I almost put it down but I decided to push through it a bit more.   I recognize that I may have had some preconceived ideas and I needed to put them aside and let the book speak for itself.

Somewhere along the way I began to really enjoy the book. I loved the stories although at times the self deprecating tone wore thin.  Most of us would be delighted to live even half of the experiences Donald Miller has chosen to enter into.

But let me tell you what I loved about this book.  I have heard so many people talk about story and narrative especially in the context of post-modernism.   This book really helped me to see what they were talking about.  About half way through I think I started to get it.  I got excited about story and my story and the story I am telling.

I love the Victor Frankl quote at the end of the book,

We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.  We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life – daily and hourly.  Our answer must exist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct.  Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets before each individual.

I’m realizing that every day is story time.

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Silence Isn’t Golden

It’s been said that there is nothing new under the sun.  This especially seems to hold true when it comes to working with people. About 15 years ago I was teaching workshops on delivering feedback. Back then I called my session No News is No News.  It isn’t a sexy topic and it certainly isn’t packaged as slick as something like Fierce Conversations. Over the years I’ve seen books and workshops come and go on the topic.  You may be familiar with some of them like Telling the Truth in Love ­- a popular book  at one point that justified a lot of harsh conversations all in love of course.

This week I had an interesting situation.  It happened with someone I consider to be a good friend and colleague.  This person is a strong leader with all the skills necessary to handle a difficult conversation.  Even after inviting her feedback on a couple of occasions she denied having any to give.  Although the shift in her demeanor indicated that wasn’t true.

And then, by email, I received some very strong words.  I was blindsided by what she said.  And the fact that others were copied on the email was even more difficult for me.  It took about 4 days and a two hour conference call to sort it all out.

This post isn’t about her failure to deal upfront with the issue.  It is about the need to deal with the real issues behind our reluctance to have these discussions.  We don’t need more tools – I think we have enough of them.  We need to understand on a deeper level what is going on inside of us when we say everything is fine and it isn’t.

I’ve heard excuses from people over the years such as, “I was intimidated” or “I didn’t want to upset anyone” or “I was afraid of how the person would respond”.  You and I have both probably used all of these and more.

But what are we really doing to our relationships?  We need to see feedback and honest open discussions as opportunities for growth.  We need to realize that feelings like intimidation and fear are about us and not about the other person.

Is there someone you need to have a focused conversation with?  Can you think of it as an opportunity to help them grow, to strengthen your relationship, your organization and your confidence?  Do you need accountability to have the conversation? If someone came to mind while you read this determine to have a conversation with them.

The majority of the time these conversations result in growth, healing, reconciliation and clear the air.  Not having them only erodes relationships and damages teams.   There’s nothing golden about that.