Monthly Archives: January 2010

by

Delete Comment

This week I took a webinar on aligning strategy with social media.  This week I deleted my comments in a facebook discussion.  Both of these events have me considering again what I am communicating in my online presence.

The facebook discussion started out with a comment a friend had made about a discussion we had on our faith the evening before.  Several people joined in the conversation creating a stimulating dialogue.  And then it turned nasty. Fortunately I was online following the conversation and was able to delete myself from the thread immediately.  It wasn’t the forum for the comments being made.

I’ve been thinking about my personal strategy with social media.  For me it is all about the conversation on facebook.  My presence allows me to engage in casual conversations with friends from all over the world.  I love reading updates, seeing pictures, and having a good time reading posts.  I love that I can delete comments. You can’t do that face to face!

by

Focused on Conflict

An article in The Globe and Mail’s management perspective section today addressed the need for trained facilitators.  It is something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently after having been invited to a meeting meant to address a conflict between two parties that seem to growing further apart as the weeks go by.

Knowing that no one would be there trained to facilitate the meeting I began to think about how quickly and easily things would degenerate.  Deborah Macklin is quoted in the G&M article saying, “People find themselves in the position of facilitator with very little knowledge about how…to lead a group to the desired result.  They end up starting the meeting and then waiting for the group to manage itself.”

As someone with a stake in the outcome and someone who understands facilitation I know how difficult it is for a group to manage itself.  My refusal to attend a meeting without a skilled facilitator might seem harsh or critical to a group trying to resolve an internal conflict.  What I really want to do is protect all of us and move towards our desired result.

It is important for a facilitator to be objective or at least state his or her biases. It is so easy for a meeting to become a search for blame attempting to answer the question, “Who is at fault here?”  A skilled facilitator can move a group towards peaceful resolution without fault finding or blaming. The point of conflict resolution isn’t for each side to try and convince the other side that they were right and to walk through a history of their actions.  The point is to restore peace.

I’m all for a focused conversation to resolve conflict. It’s not the conversation that concerns me. It’s the focus.

by

Ouch!

Conflict can be nasty. It hurts the people involved and it hurts the people drawn into it. During times of conflict clear communication becomes more and more challenging. Within family and organizational systems conversations that are repeated with the intention of clarifying issues frequently make the truth in a situation more obscure.  Each retelling of a conversation is like a copy of a copy – less clear than the one before.

People often resort to the cliché ‘you see one side of the story and I see the other, the truth is in the middle.’  Not necessarily.  One person may be closer to the truth.  Both parties can in the wrong.  To think it lies in the middle is simplistic.  The root of conflict is deeper than the situation we are in – it reaches into our past, our beliefs about each other, it can include feelings of betrayal and our understanding of God.  We may not even understand ourselves why we are as upset as we are – and yet we somehow think we can communicate it to someone else with clarity.

I think we should limit our conversations.  I know for a blog on communication that might seem odd but really more words don’t help – especially if it was our conversations that led to the conflict to begin with.

If you find yourself immersed in a conflict right now take a day off talking about it.  If you really need to process it center your conversation around this question: ‘Where have I made mistakes in this situation?’ You can’t resolve anything unless you are willing to get the log out of your eye.  Once we do that, grace flows.

by

Honesty – no matter how humiliating – is still the best policy.

Honesty – no matter how humiliating – is still the best policy.

A quote I read today said, “Warning: 100% honesty can make you feel 100% dysfunctional.”  Isn’t’ that the truth? And isn’t that why we find honesty so difficult.  It is humbling or should I say humiliating when we mess up and people find out we are not perfect.

A lot has been said in the past months about Tiger Woods and the way his people have handled his domestic melt down. I’m sure that in some cases saying nothing has been an effective strategy for handling the media.  And dealing with a crisis that is going to play out on the global stage is certainly full of nuances that most of us don’t encounter in our personal and professional lives.  Still, we all have those situations where the truth about the situation is rather nasty and we feel vulnerable about being found out. How do we handle it?

I believe honesty no matter what is still the best policy. A focused conversation where you  admit you made a mistake, explain how you are trying to handle it and as I’ve said before, apologize if necessary.  Don’t try and candy coat it.  Keep away from spin if possible.  In this world of twitter and facebook status updates someone is always ready to tell it for you.  The safest thing is to tell the truth.

But Your Truth Does.

by

Emotion or Fact

In preparation for a small presentation next week I am looking through a book on communication that I fine very helpful.  You’ve Got To Be Believed to Be Heard has been a valuable resource for me as a speaker and trainer.

Recently it has helped me navigate a challenge in life as well.  Becker writes about communication as selling.  He makes a point that we don’t like to hear: People buy on emotion and justify with fact.  We like to think that we make rational decisions and don’t let our feelings influence us.

If we can accept that we buy based on emotion we might find ourselves less defensive about decisions we’ve made.  Whether we make them based on emotion or facts we still have to live with the consequences.  Just don’t insult me by insisting you made a completely rational, fact based decision.

Our conversations can be focused on resolution and moving forward when we all admit our emotions are in play.  Ultimately our decisions are based on what we want to do.