Category Archives: Communication

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The Real Me

This summer I returned to school When I was doing the residency for my MA this summer, one of the faculty asked me the question, “What would it take for the real you to show up?“  I was taken aback by this question. The context was a discussion we were having about my realization that my personal values didn’t line up with the corporate values of a client. As time went on I was feeling more and more tension with this client and wanted to make a decision.

Her question has stuck with me.  I find myself asking it over and over again.  In recent years I have spent a lot of time showing up for other people, showing up how I think other people want me to show up and avoiding showing up as me altogether. Some where along the way I got the idea that to say what I want and to focus on who I am was selfish.  I’ve made some big decisions since my residency. I am bringing closure to some areas of my life.  I realize some relationships are not allowing me to flourish.  I need to find a way for the real me to show up.  Is that selfish?  I don’t know.  Is it honest?  Yes.

This year has been about change and transition.  I’ve been blessed with an opportunity to step out of a sub-culture that was suffocating me.  I’ve been able to have a TOOT (time out of time) to really think about who I am and where I am going and how to walk with integrity.  It’s really easy to get caught up in doing things just because you don’t want to let other people down or for them to think less of you.  If I am only showing a part of myself then thinking less of me might be threatening.  If I show up authentically and you think less of me – well, that’s OK.  At least you made the decision on something that was true.

“Above all, do not appear to others what you are not.” – Robert E. Lee

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Is it a Wall or a Fence?

In an article called When Teams Can’t Decide published by the Harvard Business Review the author (Bob Frish) discusses testing fences and walls.   In decision making we often get shut down because of the apparent constraints in a situation.  Although the boundaries might be real we can ask the question whether is a wall, which can’t be moved or a fence, which can.

Recently I’ve been in a situation where a boundary has been presented as a wall.  It really is a fence and although it may be difficult to move it I am confident it can be moved.  I’m looking forward to some conversations about walls and fences.  Let’s move the fences!

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MBTI & Difficult Conversations

For years I’ve used the MBTI in my business to help explain differences and preferences in the workplace.    I’ve administered hundreds of the assessments and worked with all types of individuals and teams.

It still surprises me how often we default to our preferences in situations.  My type profile says one of my challenges is “avoid conflict, even when the organization’s performance is suffering.”   Re-reading some material recently on type and leadership has helped me recognize not only some of my own weaknesses and strengths but also those of people I work with.

It provides me with a common language to have a difficult conversation framed in a non-threatening way that recognizes differences and preferences.

It also gives me some insight into how to encourage and support people.

It doesn’t make it easier for this ‘ENFJ’ to confront – it does help me understand what holds me back from saying what needs to be said.

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Fear, Failure and Anxiety

By my desk I have a card from a coaching friend that says, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”    It is fairly standard coaching question.  It is also a good question. I think about it from time to time and occasionally am motivated to step out and do something even though failure could be an option.

This week I am doing something I’ve never done before.  The problem is I don’t know if I will fail or not.   I think a real growth question is: “What are you doing that might result in failure?”   That takes it into the real world.  There are lots of things I’d do if I knew I could not fail.   In fact, the guarantee of success makes it pretty easy.

Doing something with an unknown outcome is a challenge. The best part is in a few days I’ll be on the other side of it.  Fear, failure and anxiety will all be replaced with the inevitable growth that comes from doing something new, stretching myself and learning from the after action review.